Sex After Vulval Cancer & Vulval Surgery
Sex after vulval cancer seems to be an issue that is not addressed as it should be. Ladies, for some reason are either, too frightened or feel they don’t have the right to ask about this issue as they feel they do not deserve to have a sex life after this cancer, some due to the shame that quite often comes along with this diagnosis, also accompanying this isthe stigma that is associated with vulval cancer…along with many otheremotions too. have been told over and over again by the media,
This is the cancer that no one likes to talk about, because of the sensitivity of the issues surrounding this cancer” this is the stigma I am determined somehow to break, others seem to think it is not possible due to no longer having the vital part, The Clitoris!!! I have to say I strongly disagree with this particular point. The medical profession, do not tend to address this issue. Why? I really do not know but I do wish they would do so, because to be diagnosed with a rare cancer and then find out what a Radical Vulvectomy entails is just so devastating for us all. I know at the time of diagnosis the last thing on our mind is the issue of our sexuality.
It is so sad that the issue is not addressed by a member of our medical team as the sense of the Loss of our Femininity is a major issue, which has a devastating affect on our lives both physically and emotionally, and I believe if the issue of sex was addressed early on post op, it would give us some badly needed hope in our lives, and at a time when we need it the most.
As the months after surgery slowly pass the thoughts begin to unfold and our mind begins to go into an emotional overdrive and we begin to question our ability to function as a woman, this was the one emotion I had the most difficulty dealing with, we have just had our vital parts for sex removed, or so we assume? We then feel we have no option but to dismiss any hope of ever resuming a sex life ever again, let alone a good one!
I am hoping that sharing with you all the emotional and physical battle I personally went through of feeling “I was no longer a Woman” any more, and how I some how managed to come through this all, will in turn, I hope give you all the hope and confidence you will need to regain all the feelings you have lost and once again be able to function physically, emotionally and sexually as a woman and most important to find that happiness and contentment you once had which was snatched away when we were told we had that rare and devasting disease.
Vulval Cancer and what we ladies had to sacrifice to be cured. Sometimes life throws us into this situation and unfortuantely some of us have to draw that short straw in life !!! so to live we have to make sacrifices which eventually become less traumatic, and then we are able to deal with them and finally accept them after a long hard emotional battle. Which we can and do win.
I felt after surgery the first my biggest problem I had to overcome was accepting,
The New Body Image and plucking up as much courage as I possible could to see what I looked like...
The New Me!!!
I knew no one could ever force me to take a look and this decision was mine to make, and I refused to be influenced by any of the medical professionals to take a look, some thought it was best I take a look in the presence of a nurse but I felt I would look in the privacy of my own home with Alan ( I got that one in a million) very special and understanding husband.
I had decided before I had my surgery done I would not look, until I knew all the swelling and the bruising had all gone and I was not prepared to be made to look neither.
After about 7/8 weeks Alan had reassured me that I had no swelling nor bruising and everything seemed to look fine, according to him that was !!! I still could not pluck up the courage and I went on to wait another 2 weeks before I managed to pluck up the courage to take a look, and all alone too, Alan had just popped out and right out of the blue I decided it was time!!!
I had my mirror all ready and I was shaking so much I could barely hold the mirror, then in the end I just made one move and nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was about to see!!! I didn’t know what to think or do and I just remember throwing the mirror on the bed and sobbing, uncontrollable too!!! So many thoughts started to go through my mind, what have they done to me, what did I do to deserve this, why did no one warn me that I would look like this, and then I sat and thought something I never thought I would ever get over or forget, my thoughts then turned on to these two very distressing thoughts What am I now?
Who am I now?
My thoughts then turned into a multitude of extremely mixed emotions which were going all over and my initial thought was, great I get to survive cancer and now I am about to have a nervous breakdown great!!! Who needed a life like this, all psychological pain and no tablets that would every rid me of this pain. I did not know what I was no more, as far as I was concerned I was not a female no more, nothing left to reassure me, Yes I did have a vagina but It was not that I was looking at, and even that did not look the same. I had no Vulva, for those of you who do not know what you vulva really is, no clitoris, no labia’s!!! How was I going to deal with this, all these horrendous thoughts all coming together and yet no one seemed to understand exactly how I was feeling, Alan tried so very hard to comfort me and reassured me.
It made no difference to him what I now looked like, he still loved me and he still reassured me I was a beautiful woman as I had been before the surgery, but deep inside I was thinking well he would say this after all it was my body that had been mutilated not his, because at the moment in time this is exactly how I was feeling.
So, how was I going to deal with this new major change!!!
I sat for a couple of weeks leaving well alone here, and thinking very hard and I then found I was able to look at myself and not be as devastated as I had previously been and I needed to know and badly, how I was going to accept the new me… I then started to look and slowly I realised I was now beginning to accept the way I would now look for the rest of my life.
Accept Yes!!! I could do this, but like???
No I did not like.........“It”
as I used to call it, but I had no choice. This was me, and like it or not I was now beginning to realise I would never be the same again. I think I was waiting to go one day for check up and my Consultant would tell me he was going to rebuild me, crazy as it sounds.
I actually though this, but we all know this does not happen. So one small hurdle I was just about starting to approach, nowhere near getting over it but approaching it, starting to very slowly realise this was me now and somehow I had to get used to it… little did I realise the worse was yet to come!!!
Emotional Rollercoaster
I found this part of the recovery very cruel, I was trying to get on with my life then all of sudden I was slapped in the face with so many emotions I thought I was going to really crack up, and I thought the surgery was the worse thing that could have happened to me but little did I realise just how wrong I was and I soon came face to face with the most horrendous emotional awakening which I had not been prepared for.
I started to have so many different thoughts, how could I deal with them all.
I will list them all as I experienced them all. The first to hit me was the sense of being “Mutilated”…I know a very strong word but this one really had a devastating affect on me, whatever Alan said to me, whatever anyone said to me made no difference this was how I felt and I could not get this thought out of my mind.
I felt I had been “Butchered” like an animal, but then my thoughts turned to, they don’t even do this to animals!!! Nothing at all was making me feel any better I could not sleep, I could not eat I was in “Shock” too!!! Then came “The Loss of my body parts” this was another one I had to try to get my head around, then along came on of the worse possible ones my... It's at times like this your memory becomes your worse enemy.
The Loss of my Feminity
This made me feel like an “it” I could no longer begin to relate to myself as a Woman no more. Yes, everyone told me I looked like a woman but sadly my brain was not agreeing with them then came more, they would not stop coming into my head.
The Assault of the Surgery
I actually felt assaulted because I felt like I had no say in my body no more, also I felt I had “Lost Control of my Body”, I was “Angry”, I felt “Isolated”, “Guilty”, “Ashamed”, “Worthless”,“Deep Depression and Fear” set in accompanied by “Post Traumatic Stress Syndome” and “Panic Attacks “, which then lead to the one conclusion I never thought I was capable of thinking as I have dreaded this thought so much when I was dignosed, so what now ???
Death would have been easier!
As quick as this thought came in I immediately threw it right back again, I just though after all I had been through these last 12 months, the diagnosis, the surgery, the physical pain and the emotional aftermath!!! I was not about to give in to this thought so there was only one thing to do, and that was to start to fight back and hang on to that little bit of hope I did have and it was a little bit too.
Thankfully just enough to take me through all the emotions I was going though, and also by this time I finally got the long overdue support I had been in desperate need of since day 1…..It came from the medical professionals and also from other ladies too, the latter being the best support I could have ever wished for and I was truly grateful for this as this is what drove me to really start to fight back….
Other ladies going through exactly the same emotions I was feeling, understanding my inner most fears as no one else could have done, so this was to be the biggest turning point since I had been first diagnosed. So I finally started to make progress and some of the emotional trauma I was going through started to subside, not disappear!!! but I could now visualise a life after vulva cancer, which I had not been able to do before.
I then realised that I had been unable to wear any of my clothes since my surgery, so I did what most people said was a crazy idea and I would get over this, I burned all my clothes, I felt so uneasy in them clothes, I felt like I would somehow get the cancer back if I wore the clothes so they just had to go!
Everything I had from underwear right up to my coats, everything went and it seemed that the only person who did understand this action was my wonderful Daughter Lisa, who was 24 at the time and had been a great support through all this time along with my son Carl who was 27, Alan of course was not very happy because he knew what this meant a whole new wardrobe as it was going to cost him, but I was kind and I bought my new clothes in bits not all at once so it was easier on his wallet.
So when I went to replace them I found myself buying clothes I had not really worn very much before, I felt I needed to look feminine so I bought feminine and not a pair of trousers or jeans in sight, which did not bother me very much because wearing them was so uncomfortable after the surgery, so lots of pretty blouses and skirts was now how the new me was staritng to look, my hair was reasonable short when I was diagnosed so I grew that too and now it is shoulder length, again this to me was more feminine than shorter hair.
Anything that remotely made me think male was banned from my wardrobe, especially and I was now starting to feel happier about myself than I had done in months.
So I knew I was emotionally on the mend but I also knew I still wanted the one thing that would make me feel like a “Whole Woman” again, this was feelings, sexual feelings which I had not experienced now for near on 16 months, in which time Alan had never put me under pressure in any way and to be honest I had not really thought about during this time but I had longed to feel those lovely warm feelings I had once felt.Then it happened, and right out of the blue too.
It was on August 30th at aprrox 4-30 pm, now I wonder why I will never forget this date and time!!! All of a sudden I started to feel something.
Something I had once taken so much for granted, something maybe we all take for granted, a sexual feeling.
I was somewhat taken back thinking it was all in my head, so at first I did not tell Alan I just lay there with this feeling thinking I was imagining them, but I wasn’t so in the end I told Alan who I think was even more apprehensive than I.
He told me it would probable go away as fast as it came, but it didn’t it was getting stronger so in all honesty I was getting a little scared here too, so I yelled Alan it happened and, it was good and, I somehow . had an orgasm. Afterwards I cried for so long we both did we just held each other none of us believing this was ever going to happen again and it just had.
How, we didn't know then, and at that time we didn’t particularly care either, it was way over our heads, so we just shared this moment of joy, happiness and relief after so long. I now felt like a “Woman” a “Whole Woman” looking like a woman had been so important to me but then the added bonus of feeling like one was so very emotional for both of us.
Since that date our sex life has been good, it is hard work for us both and we have had a lot of fun rediscovering this new found sex life and are still enjoying it to the full today. So if someone has told you that you cannot resume a sex life after vulval cancer, please do not give up. Never give up, we didn’t once we had both got over the shock of the surgery and started working through all the emotional issues.
There is Sex after vulval Cancer and please do not let anyone tell you otherwise!!! I have put below a list a really good sites for you to take a look at, these link have some excellent information on about sex after cancer and also learning how to deal with the body image change.
They are all very informative and I have found them to be positive in there attitude towards sex after vulval cancer, given the wide range of information covering the subject and also the Sexuality and Psychological issues, how to communicate your feelings towards your partner a lot easier, and many more important issues too.
I do hope they will be as useful to you as they have been to me.
If you should come across anything that is remotely offensive to you please do not hesitate to contact me.
http://www.cancersupportivecare.com/sexuality.html
http://www.nswcc.org.au/editorial.asp?pageid=114
http://www.oncolink.com/coping/article.cfm?c=4&s=42&ss=90&id=454
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-treatment/SA00071
http://www.cancerlynx.com/sexuality.html
